You work on relationship problems one at a time. Both of you agree to try, pick one problem, each say what you'd change and what you're willing to do, and make one small agreement with a review date. If you get stuck, bring in outside help. It isn't a process for a relationship where you're afraid.
Key takeaways
- Work on one problem, with one agreement and one review date; taking on everything at once can wear out good intentions before anything changes.
- Trying is something both of you choose, for a stretch of time you name, and it comes with no promise that staying is right; what you learn from an honest try is useful either way.
- If fear of your partner is part of this, or “working on it” is being used to keep you from leaving, start with the section on when this is the wrong advice.
Written byAditi Bajpai, M.A. Clinical Psychology · Relationship coach at Ventoutt·Published Oct 13, 2026 · Updated Oct 13, 2026·Editorial policy
In this article: Can it work · Which problem first · Making an agreement · Checking in · Outside help · Doubts, or a break · When this is the wrong advice · Questions
Is it possible to work on relationship problems and stay together?
You can, when three things are true: both of you want to try, the problem can be put into words, and fear isn't part of it for either of you. Take away any one of them, and a different page comes first.
If the problem doesn't have a name yet, or you're the only one who wants to try, begin with the guide to relationship problems, which also covers working on your own side. If you're afraid, go to when this is the wrong advice.
Working on it doesn't mean staying whatever happens. It means giving one problem a fair try, for a stretch of time you both name, and then looking at what happened. Either of you can stop the try, or leave, at any point before that; it takes no one's agreement. Whether to stay is a different question with a guide of its own: how to decide whether to stay in your relationship.
How do you choose which problem to start with?
Swap lists only if each of you can hear a complaint from the other. If putting yours on paper could be used against you, or a no from you gets punished, go to when this is the wrong advice.
Each of you writes a list, alone: the things you'd like to be different. Keep it to what happens, not what your partner is like. Then put the two side by side. Start with a problem that is on both lists and, among those, the smallest one that either of you would notice changing.
Small is the point: you can tell within days whether a small agreement is holding, and a big one takes longer to judge.
Everything else stays on the lists. Nothing is being dropped; it is being taken in turn.
How do you make an agreement you both keep?
This conversation works only when a no from either of you counts. If a no from you gets punished, or you agree to things for fear of what refusing brings, go to when this is the wrong advice. A partner who argues their side, or asks for time, isn't that.
Four parts, in this order. Each of you does all four:
- What you see. One recent example each, with no “always” in it.
- What you'd like to be different. Something the other could see you doing or not doing. “More effort” can't be checked. “Plans made by Thursday” can.
- What you're willing to do. Each of you says what you'd put in. Sometimes the change is one person's, and nothing is owed in return: stopping something that hurts isn't a trade. And some things aren't items for an agreement at all: who you see, your phone, your money and your body stay yours.
- Write it down, with two dates: the day it starts, and the day of the review.
The difference between an agreement you can check and one you can't:
| Hard to check | Easy to check |
|---|---|
| “We'll communicate better.” | “When plans change, we tell each other before, not after.” |
| “I'll try harder.” | “I'll plan one evening a week, and tell you which by Wednesday.” |
| “We'll spend more time together.” | “One weekend afternoon a week with no errands in it.” |
An agreement is something both of you chose. If one of you is only going along, it may not last, and it is better to hear that now. Ask: “Is this one you'd choose, or one you're putting up with?”
How do you check whether it's working?
On the review date, sit down for a short while. Each of you says:
- what you did of your part, and what you didn't;
- what got easier, and what didn't;
- whether you'd keep the agreement, change it or drop it.
Progress here is modest: the agreement was kept more than it was broken, and the thing it was about weighs less than it did. It doesn't mean the subject is closed.
If it didn't hold, change the agreement before you judge the relationship. It may have been too big, too vague, or built for a week that didn't happen. Try a smaller version once.
If you've both made an honest try, more than once, and it keeps failing, that is worth knowing. It may mean this problem needs more than the two of you have brought to it so far, which is where outside help comes in. It may also belong in the bigger question, and only you can weigh that one.
A trial like this is for an everyday problem. Anything that touches your job, your housing, your money or your health gets talked about now, not at the review. And if your worry is about your safety, don't bring it to the review at all: go to when this is the wrong advice.
When do you need outside help, and what if couples therapy costs too much?
One condition first. Sitting down together with a third person is for two people who are each free to speak. If you'd be afraid to speak freely with your partner in that room, don't start there: go to when this is the wrong advice.
It may be time when the same agreement has failed twice, when you can't choose a problem without a fight, or when one of you has stopped believing it can change. The routes, and what each is for:
- The two of you with a licensed couples therapist. That is the format built for working on it together. How it differs from one-to-one coaching is set out in relationship coach or couples therapist: how to choose.
- If the cost rules that out, there are places to ask that charge less, or nothing: a school's counseling center, an assistance program at work, providers with lower fees, and programs the two of you work through by yourselves. Not all of them see partners together, so ask. The questions to ask at school or at work, and the lower-cost providers and programs with their published prices and the dates they were read, are set out in free and low-cost options for relationship help.
- One of you with a coach, working on your half. A coach works with one person: what you bring to the agreement, how you say it, what you do when it slips. A coach doesn't referee between you or decide who is right. Here's what a coach will and won't do for you.
- If one of you is already in therapy, ask your therapist before adding coaching. Whether the two can run alongside each other depends on your situation and on keeping their roles apart: whether coaching and therapy can be used together.
- Whoever you choose, look at what their title stands for: what a license tells you that a degree doesn't.
What if the real question is doubt, or wanting a break?
If what keeps getting in the way is doubt about the relationship itself, not one problem in it, read whether it's normal to have doubts about your relationship. And if one of you wants time apart before trying anything, that needs terms of its own: taking a break in a relationship.
When is working on it the wrong advice?
When you aren't safe, or you aren't free to stop. If saying you might leave has been answered with a threat — to you, to themselves, or to something that is yours; if the “agreements” are rules about your friends, your time or your spending, whether they run one way or were traded for something; if your yes comes from fear of what refusing would cost you; or if you feel afraid of your partner, or pressured or controlled by them, this process isn't for your situation: read how to tell a relationship problem from controlling behavior. It also covers wanting to leave when your partner's reaction scares you. And if holding the relationship together is getting in the way of sleep, classes or work, that load is too much to carry alone, and a licensed professional should be part of it; when worry about your relationship starts taking over shows the ways in.
If you need help now
If you are in the US and having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, or need crisis support, call or text 988 or use 988 online chat. For an immediate life-threatening emergency, call 911. Outside the US, contact your local emergency or crisis service. Coaching, venting and a therapy waitlist are not emergency services.
See suicide prevention helplines for your countryWhat is a coach's part when two people are trying?
If neither of you is afraid, the strain isn't getting in the way of sleep, classes or work, and you've both chosen to try, a coach can help one of you with:
- Being heard when you're worn out from trying, without being told to quit or to push on.
- Writing your own list, and choosing which item to put forward first.
- Deciding what you'd put into the agreement, and what you wouldn't.
- Finding words for a review that didn't go well.
- Sorting which of your asks are requests, and which aren't up for trade.
This is only part of what relationship coaching covers.
Coaching does not diagnose or treat. If you need clinical care, we will help you find it.
Who would you be working on your part with?
Each coach below lists relationships among their focus areas. Ventoutt assigns your first coach; if the fit isn't right, you can change coach from the available options.
Noreen Choudhri
Mental Wellness Coach
10+ Years Experience
Qualifications: M.Phil. in Clinical Psychology, Gold Medalist; M.Sc. in Psychology with specialization in Clinical Psychology
Specializes in: Stress management, Relationship concerns, Positive parenting, Women's well-being, Workplace stress, Self-improvement, Emotional clarity, Personal growth, Family concerns, Confidence building, Coping skills, Behavior modification, CBT-informed support, Supportive guidance, Child and adolescent concerns
Nishi
Mental Wellness Coach
Mental wellness coach
Qualifications: M.Sc. in Clinical Psychology (Neuropsychology); Master’s in Counseling & Behavior Modification
Specializes in: Stress, relationships, LGBTQ+ matters, body image concerns
Best for: Deep emotional issues, and clients looking for a structured approach
Sakshi Thakar
Mental Wellness Coach
Identity-Affirming Support
Qualifications: B.A. in Psychology; M.Sc. in Clinical Psychology
Specializes in: Trauma-informed care, queer-affirmative, stress, burnout, identity & attachment issues
Best for: Individuals exploring identity, queer concerns, and healing from emotional or relational challenges
Global Exposure: Professional experience working with a USA-based corporate environment
Every coach is screened before working with clients — here's how Ventoutt screens professionals, and what qualifications to look for in a mental wellness coach.
Matching targeted within 24 hours. Ventoutt assigns your first coach; if the fit isn't right, you can change coach from the available options. Changing coach is free. See how matching works and when changing coach makes sense.
Want help with your half of the agreement?
When neither of you is afraid and the strain isn't getting in the way of sleep, classes or work, working on one problem at a time is everyday work, the kind Ventoutt's mental wellness coaching for everyday issues is meant for. A coach works with you alone, on what you bring to the agreement and what you do when it slips. A coach can't promise the relationship works out, and whether you stay isn't a coach's call. Sessions are one-to-one: one person per session.
Ventoutt's coaches are MA/PhD psychology professionals, minimum three years' experience, based in India.
$35 single session with no subscription. First 50 coaching texts free for eligible new users. See what is and isn't part of coaching.
Want to get one problem into one sentence first?
The 5-Day Relationship Reset is five short emails for one person. Over the first three, a vague unhappiness becomes one line, then one example, then one small thing you could ask for: the raw material for the agreement above. Only sign up if no one else has access to your email. Up to three shorter notes about coaching follow, then it stops.
No relationship details required — just your email.
What people say about Ventoutt
These are individual experiences, not a promise of a particular result.
“I was tired of people acting like I needed a yes-or-no answer about my relationship right away. I wanted to look at what was working, what wasn't, and what I could actually control before making a decision.”
Video experiences — general Ventoutt experiences
Eva, France
Duration: 2:45
Zara, Australia
Duration: 0:45
To protect user privacy, some testimonial images are illustrative and some names have been changed.
What do people ask about working on a relationship?
How long should you work on a relationship before you stop?
No number of months fits every couple. What helps is a stretch you both name in advance for one agreement, and a review at the end of it. If honest tries keep failing, that is the moment to bring in outside help or to look at the bigger question. It isn't a deadline someone else gets to set.
What if you're the only one trying?
Then it isn't yet the process on this page, which takes two. You can say so once, plainly: what you've done, what you've seen, and that you'd like to know whether they want to try. Their answer, or the lack of one, is something to weigh. Working on your own side is covered in the guide to relationship problems, linked near the top of this page.
What if you keep making agreements and breaking them?
Look at who breaks them. If it's both of you, the agreements may be too big, too vague, or chosen by only one of you: make one smaller than feels necessary, write it down, and review it soon. If it's only one of you, wording isn't the problem and a smaller ask isn't the answer; the question has become whether both of you want to try.
Is it worth trying if you've already thought about leaving?
Thinking about leaving doesn't rule out trying, and trying doesn't cancel what you've thought. An honest attempt at one problem gives you information you don't have yet. It doesn't commit you to staying until any date: you can decide whenever you're ready. If fear is part of why you're unsure, go to when this is the wrong advice.
Aditi Bajpai
Mental wellness coach at Ventoutt
Qualification: M.A. Clinical Psychology, India
Dedicated to bringing you authentic and helpful mental health content.
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