The talking stage is the stretch when two people are texting and seeing each other, and nothing has been agreed yet: no exclusivity, no label, no word for what this is. It has no set length. The way out of it is a question: say what you want, and ask what they want.
Key takeaways
- In the talking stage nothing has been agreed, so anything you're counting on — that neither of you is seeing other people, that the apps are gone — is an assumption until both of you have agreed to it.
- “What are we?” goes better as two sentences: what you want, then a question about what they want. A yes, a no and a “not yet” each give you something to do next.
- If asking the question feels unsafe, if someone who has agreed to nothing tells you who you can see, or if the not-knowing is taking your sleep, start with the section on when it's more than not knowing.
Written bySakshi Thakar, M.Sc. Clinical Psychology · Relationship coach at Ventoutt·Published Oct 13, 2026 · Updated Oct 13, 2026·Editorial policy
In this article: What it is · When to ask · How to ask · Yes, no, not yet · The apps · If you're the unsure one · When it's more than not knowing · Questions
What is the talking stage?
It's the part before any agreement. You talk a lot, you may be seeing each other, and one or both of you may still be working out whether you want this to go further. What marks the stage isn't how long it has run or how close you feel. It's that neither of you has said, in words, what you want it to be.
It can look like this:
- You text through the day, and you've been on a few dates, or a lot of them.
- You've met one of their friends, or none.
- The apps are still on your phone, or on theirs, or you don't know.
- You've started keeping evenings free for them, and you haven't said that either.
It isn't a relationship with the label missing, and it isn't nothing. Two people in it can care a great deal. What they don't have yet is an agreement, so each is free to be picturing something different.
Some things are fair to expect from anyone you're seeing, with or without a label: a straight answer to a direct question, and nothing physical that you don't want. The full list is in what's reasonable to expect in a relationship.
If the second of those has gone wrong, with or without a no from you, this page's advice can wait: go to when it's more than not knowing.
When is it time for the “what are we?” talk?
There's no number of weeks, and this page won't give you one. Three signs are more useful than the calendar:
- You're making decisions around them. You've turned down a date with someone else, or you're wondering whether to bring them as your plus-one.
- You're guessing more than you're enjoying it. More of your time goes to working out what a message meant than to the dates themselves.
- Something practical depends on the answer. Whether to keep your profile up, what to tell a friend who wants to set you up, whether to make a plan a month out.
Any one of these is enough. There's no need to be sure of their answer first; the reason to ask is that you aren't.
And some things don't wait for this conversation at all. If your health, your money, your job or where you live depends on the answer, it's fair to ask now, whatever stage this is.
How do you start the “what are we?” talk?
This section is for asking someone who can hear a question. If asking feels unsafe because of how they've reacted before, if you've been mocked or punished for bringing it up, or if you're being told who you can see while nothing is agreed on their side, go to when it's more than not knowing. Someone who gets awkward, or says they need to think, isn't that.
Use two sentences. The first says what you want. The second asks what they want. Starting with your own answer can keep the question from sounding like a test.
| What you want | How it could sound |
|---|---|
| To see only each other | “I'm not seeing anyone else, and I'd like that to be true for both of us. Where are you with that?” |
| To call it a relationship | “I've started thinking of us as together. Is that how you see it?” |
| To know whether it's going somewhere | “I like this, and I'm looking for something that could turn into a relationship. Are you?” |
| To keep it casual | “I'm enjoying this, and I'm not looking for anything exclusive right now. I'd rather say so than leave you guessing.” |
The fourth line counts as much as the first. “What are we?” is a question about what each of you wants, and “I'd like to keep this light” is an answer to it.
Ask it in words, not in a hint, and leave room for “I need to think about that.” A question that allows only one answer isn't a question.
What do you do when the answer is yes, no or “not yet”?
Each answer gives you something to do next:
| They say | What to ask next | What is yours to decide |
|---|---|---|
| Yes | What the word means to each of you: other people, the apps, what you call each other in front of friends | Whether their version of yes is the one you wanted |
| No | Nothing you have to ask | Whether to keep seeing them on the terms they've named, or to stop. Both are allowed |
| Not yet | What “not yet” is waiting on, and when they'd expect to know | How long you're willing to wait, and the day you look at it again |
A yes needs one more conversation, because “exclusive,” “together” and “official” can mean different things to two people. Say what you mean by the word you used, and ask what they mean by theirs.
A no can be said kindly and still hurt. Take it as the answer. It isn't the opening of a campaign to change their mind, and it isn't yours to reinterpret. If it has ended, the breakup guides cover what comes next: the guide to situationship endings. If it faded out with no conversation at all, there is a page for that too: what to do after being ghosted.
“Not yet” is a real answer, and it isn't a promise. It's fair to ask what it's waiting on — the end of a semester, getting over someone, being sure — and when they'd expect to know. Then pick your own day to look at it again. That day is for you. It isn't a deadline to announce. If it comes and the answer is the same “not yet,” that is an answer too, and you can decide on it.
Once you're together, the question can come back in bigger forms: moving in, marriage, where to live. That is what to do when you want different things.
What if they're still on dating apps?
Then you know one thing: the app is still there. You don't know whether they're using it, and looking again won't tell you. Unless you've both said you're taking your profiles down, neither of you has broken anything.
What's yours to do is say where you are and ask where they are: “I've taken my profile down. Where are you with yours?” If you'd rather keep yours up, say that. Checking can't settle it; asking can. And if you took yours down because you were told to, while theirs stayed up, that is a rule for one of you: go to when it's more than not knowing.
For the limits that are yours while you're still working this out — pace, your phone, physical limits — see what boundaries to set when you start dating someone. And once you're together, how much to text is its own question: how much texting is normal, and how to agree on what works.
What if you're the one who isn't sure?
First: if you're being pushed for an answer, or you're afraid of what a no would bring, you don't owe a date, a reason or a reply. Go to when it's more than not knowing.
Otherwise, “not yet” is yours to say, and it is a complete answer. If you want to make it easier to live with on the other side, add what you do know and when you expect to know more: “I like seeing you, and I'm not ready to call it anything. Ask me again after my exams, and I'll give you a real answer.”
Two things aren't fair to someone who asked in good faith: saying “not yet” when you already know it's a no, and going quiet so that you don't have to answer. A plain no is kinder than a maybe you don't mean.
If what's making you unsure is something else going on between the two of you, the guide to relationship problems can help you find what it is.
When is uncertainty not the real problem?
When asking isn't safe, or the rules run only one way. If raising the question gets you shouted at or mocked, or you're punished for asking; if someone who has agreed to nothing tells you who you can see or talk to; if you're pushed for a yes after you've said “not yet”; if you're pushed about anything physical, or something physical took place that you hadn't wanted, with or without a no from you; or if you feel afraid of your partner, or pressured or controlled by them, a better-worded question isn't the answer: read how to tell a relationship problem from controlling behavior. And if the not-knowing is getting in the way of sleep, classes or work, that is for a licensed professional to help with; when worry about your relationship starts taking over lists the ways to reach one.
If you need help now
If you are in the US and having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, or need crisis support, call or text 988 or use 988 online chat. For an immediate life-threatening emergency, call 911. Outside the US, contact your local emergency or crisis service. Coaching, venting and a therapy waitlist are not emergency services.
See suicide prevention helplines for your countryHow could a coach help before the “what are we?” talk?
If asking is safe, worry about the uncertainty isn't getting in the way of sleep, classes or work, and what's difficult is knowing what you want and saying it, a coach can help with:
- Being heard on weeks of guessing, without being told what the other person must be thinking.
- Working out what you want from this before you ask what they want.
- Getting your two sentences into words you'd say out loud.
- Deciding ahead of time what you'd do with a no, and with a “not yet.”
- Settling how long you're willing to wait, and what you'd need to hear by then.
This is only part of what relationship coaching covers.
Coaching does not diagnose or treat. If you need clinical care, we will help you find it.
Which coaches could help you find the words?
Each coach below lists relationships among their focus areas. Ventoutt assigns your first coach; if the fit isn't right, you can change coach from the available options.
Sparshika Khobragade
Mental Wellness Coach
USA Stress Support Experience
Qualifications: M.Sc. in Clinical Psychology
Specializes in: CBT, mindfulness-based coaching, body image concerns, relationship issues, career transitions, stress management, and personal growth
Best for: Individuals dealing with stress, life transitions, and those seeking a supportive, structured yet empathetic coaching approach
Global Exposure: Experience working with clients from the USA
Anshika Jain
Mental Wellness Coach
USA Workplace Client Experience
Qualifications: PHD scholar, M.A. in Clinical Psychology; PG Diploma in Counselling & Family Therapy; Certification in Counselling and Psychotherapy; International Member, American Psychological Association (APA), Member No. C2404977850
Specializes in: Relationship, workplace stress, anxiety, self-improvement, career guidance
Best for: Young adults dealing with career confusion, stress, and relationship challenges
Global Exposure: Experience working with USA-based corporate clients
Aditi Bajpai
Mental Wellness Coach
Burnout Support for USA Clients
Qualifications: M.A. in Clinical Psychology
Specializes in: CBT, Mindfulness, ACT, SFBT, Psychodynamic; stress, burnout, overthinking, relationships, life transitions
Best for: Overthinkers, professionals facing burnout, and those seeking deeper self-understanding
Global Exposure: Experience working with clients from the USA
Every coach is screened before working with clients — here's how Ventoutt screens professionals, and what qualifications to look for in a mental wellness coach.
Matching targeted within 24 hours. Ventoutt assigns your first coach; if the fit isn't right, you can change coach from the available options. Changing coach is free. See how matching works and when changing coach makes sense.
Want help finding your two sentences?
When asking is safe and the not-knowing is the ordinary kind — it's on your mind, and worry about the uncertainty isn't getting in the way of sleep, classes or work — sorting out what you want is a fair thing to bring to a coach, and Ventoutt's mental wellness coaching for everyday issues is one coach and one person on an everyday question. A coach won't tell you what the other person is thinking, or what you should want. What a coach does is help you get three things clear: what you want, how to ask, and what you'd do with each answer. Sessions are one-to-one: one person per session.
Ventoutt's coaches are MA/PhD psychology professionals, minimum three years' experience, based in India. Here's how to tell whether a coach is a good match for you, and what happens in the days after you sign up.
$35 single session with no subscription. First 50 coaching texts free for eligible new users. See what coaching includes.
Want to separate what's been said from what you assume first?
The 5-Day Relationship Reset is five short emails. The fourth has you write down what has been said and, beside it, what you've been assuming: a useful split when nothing is agreed yet. Sign up only from an email account that no one else opens. Up to three shorter notes about coaching follow, then it stops.
No relationship details required — just your email.
What people say about Ventoutt
These are individual experiences, not a promise of a particular result.
“I kept wishing there was some checklist that would tell me to stay or go. Looking at what had actually changed, versus what I was just hoping would change, was harder but a lot more useful.”
Video experiences — general Ventoutt experiences
Adreana, Europe
Duration: 0:58
Zion, USA
Duration: 2:15
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Which questions come up about the talking stage?
How long does the talking stage last?
There's no set length, and no page can give you one. A more useful measure is whether you know what you want, and whether you've asked. If you've started arranging your weeks around someone, it's fair to ask, however short a time it has been.
Is the talking stage the same as dating?
The words don't have set meanings: one person's “talking” is another person's “dating.” What tells you where you stand is what the two of you have said to each other, not which word gets used. If the word matters to you, ask what they mean by it.
Is it okay to talk to other people during the talking stage?
Unless the two of you have agreed otherwise, neither of you has promised not to. If you'd like it to be only the two of you, say so and ask; don't count on it. And a straight answer to “are you seeing other people?” is fair to expect on both sides, with or without a label.
How do you bring up being exclusive?
The same way as any version of “what are we?”: say what you want first, then ask. “I'm not seeing anyone else, and I'd like that to be true for both of us” is clear, and it leaves room for their answer. The table of ways to ask has three more.
Sakshi Thakar
Mental wellness coach at Ventoutt
Qualification: M.Sc. Clinical Psychology, India
Dedicated to bringing you authentic and helpful mental health content.
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